Since You Asked

I’m very kind. I’m always on the lookout for geriatrics on corners, especially females. When I spot one I usually say, “Hello mam’. I noticed you walk slower than molasses and have the posture of a panda, allow me to help.” They usually react in a way that tells me my kindness is confusing to them at which point I grab a limb and proceed to mobilize.

I’m quite generous. One time a homeless person approached me on a park bench. Just as I began to clamp my nose and scoot away she said, “Do you have any money?” I said, “I only carry plastic” even though my pockets were bulging with dead presidents. She said, “Could you at least buy me a burrito?” I said, “You’ve got me there, but that’s not the least I can do.” When we got to the burrito store I said, “Pick anything you want, but keep it cheap.” After all, what do I look like, the bank?

I’m in great shape. My shape is so great it usually causes a commotion at the beach and in locker rooms and sometimes in department stores if I forget to put my clothes back on after leaving a dressing room. When people see my shape they say, “Whoa! I’ve never seen such a shape” to which I respond, “Isn’t it great?” I drink a raw egg every morning and eat a T-bone every night. I burn circles around tracks and bend bars at the gym. There isn’t a weight I won’t lift or a road I won’t run.

I’m a prolific reader. I read at all times and at all places. Libraries, coffee shops, funerals. I’ll flip pages anywhere, I don’t care. I read huge books. You couldn’t possibly imagine carrying the books I read without back support. Name a title, go ahead, I bet I’ve read it. Yep, I read that one. I go to bookstores and say things like, “I’ll take one of everything.”

I’m an unparalleled master of language. No one could possibly parallel me, I wouldn’t accept it. I have multitudinous verbs and gerunds at my disposal that will embarrass even the most seasoned poindexter. My sentence structures are complex and contemplative. Just like that one. And that one. My participles are never dangling so don’t try to parallel me, cause you’re only asking for trouble.

Oh yea, I almost forgot. I’m pretty damn humble too.

Featured image by Gordon



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