Bucket List

  • Be mistaken for Al Pacino and refuse pictures or autographs.
  • Answer in the affirmative to: “Is there a doctor on the plane?” Later reveal I have a PhD in Feminist Studies.
  • Run through a field of daisies with open arms into the warm embrace of my beloved to the soundtrack of “Rocky V.”
  • Attend a Joel Osteen sermon wearing a “Jesus is my homeboy” T-shirt.
  • Use the phrase, “My aircraft” in the cockpit of a commercial jetliner.
  • Punch Sean Hannity in the neck.
  • With a lifeless body on the table, pull down my surgical mask, look somberly to a nurse, and slowly shake my head.
  • Cry during a live viewing of the national anthem at the Daytona 500.
  • Have Alex Jones say my name followed by the phrase, “globalist scum.”
  • Punch Rush Limbaugh in the neck.
  • Fire a subordinate via Facebook Messenger.
  • As a roadie for John Cougar Mellencamp, jump on stage before the concert, grab the mic, and tell the crowd, “I’m sorry to inform you all, but we just lost John.” Carefully gauge the reaction of the audience.
  • Pick up a half-smoked cigar buried in the dirt, look to the horizon, and say, “He went that way.”
  • Attend every men’s Grand Slam final, in which an obscure Asian athlete wins in straight sets.
  • Punch Lou Dobbs in the neck.
  • Run the Forest Gump trans-American route.
  • Upon catching a thief in the act of stealing my bag, recreate the scene from “Collateral” in which Tom Cruise says the words, “Yo homie, is that my briefcase?”
  • Sit ringside at a prize fight while reading a wide-open newspaper.
  • Throw hot coffee in the face of an intern while screaming, “I said no milk god damnit!”
  • Ask a Native American if Gandhi was Navajo or Cherokee.
  • Throw a Blackberry on stage during an Apple keynote.
  • Play in an A-ha cover band.
  • Purchase Super Bowl tickets, enter the stadium at the end of the third quarter, use the bathroom, and leave.
  • Ask if I can have a personal copy of my colonoscopy on Blu-ray.
  • Assemble the first-ever Himalayan Sherpa track team.
  • Get thrown out of a carnival for winning.
  • Generate an “out-of-office” e-mail that reads, “Thanks for your e-mail. I quit.”
  • Become a taxi driver in Pakistan.
  • Go to a Michelin-star restaurant and order a five-course meal. When the waiter asks if I’d like anything else reply, “A sick-bag, if you have one.”
  • Upon hearing the news that Jerry Seinfeld is dead, keep an expressionless face, take a slow sip of coffee, squint my eyes, and say, “Ah, that’s a shame.”
  • Write a novel.

    Featured image by Joanbanjo


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