12 AM: All those annoying “morning people” are deep in the throes of R.E.M. sleep. In no time at all they’ll be awake—whistling, exercising, preparing carefully portioned lunches. You’ve only just finished dinner and a pivotal moment is fast-approaching—a good night’s rest is still possible. Unfortunately, modern medicine tells us that a full belly in the prone position is not ideal. Best to digest before you rest.
1 AM: Too late for outside human contact. E-mails will be regarded as downright unprofessional and phone calls will put the fear of God into any rational human being. From here on out, it’s a one-man show. Might as well get comfortable. Prepare any reading material and/or video/music playlists you think may be useful. Anticipate the horror of being alone with your thoughts and plan accordingly.
2 AM: Two AM already? That’s weird. ‘Could have sworn it was just 11 PM like eight minutes ago. Be sure to convince yourself this is all part of an elaborate plan to reset your biological clock. Better yet, consider the deluded notion that you’re now capable of being more productive than 99% of everyone else in your time zone.
3 AM: Jean-Paul Sartre said that 3 PM is too early or too late to do anything. Ironically-enough, the same goes for 3 AM. Wait!…what’s that sound?! Oh God, are there rats in my ceiling?! Google the phrase, “How to know if I have rats in my ceiling?” Prepare to spend the next hour researching the behavioral trends and nesting patterns of Rattus norvegicus. An obscure science blog will assert that humans and rats share 90% of their genetic material—this will be oddly comforting.
4 AM: Congratulations! You’re officially a psychopath. Time to make an important decision—in the event you encounter another conscious human being do you: (a) play the, “Howdy neighbor! I’m a morning person too!” card or (b) enact the prodigal badass routine, “Sleep?! You must be joking! I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” Also, steer clear of network television. Trust us, you’ll regret that 30-piece knife set in the morning.
5 AM: Depending on the time of year, you may or may not witness the sun rise. By “witness” we mean shamefully glance through the blinds to reveal the last hope of enjoying a dark-night’s sleep. Don’t worry though, with enough practice your body will adjust its release of melatonin to coincide with daylight. Most people will interpret this as narcolepsy, but you’ll just refer to it as “my new normal.”
6 AM: The nausea you feel is nature’s way of communicating what an idiot you are. Much like real morning sickness, this ailment is probably an evolutionary adaptation protecting you from food poisoning. Insomnia is proven to ferment blood and impair judgement—it’s best you don’t have an appetite for that two-week old bouillabaisse.
7 AM: Resist the urge to complain that nothing is open till 10 AM. After all, if it wasn’t for your deranged need to fight-off normal sleep patterns, you’d still be comatose at this hour. Pass the time fulfilling your daily morning ritual.
8 AM: Wohoo! Chow-time! Arrive at your favorite diner or coffee shop with that wild-eyed look of a man who’s teetering on the edge of a full-on blackout. Avoid the temptation of smacking face-first into the most “pillow-like” thing you see (DO NOT ORDER HOT SOUPS). Don’t forget—breakfast is the most important part of a brand-new day; and nothing says “brand new day” like the same clothes you just wore to dinner. Don’t fret the thought of a lost-night’s sleep, simply accept your restless state as a means to a delicious end.